Just a few weeks ago, my husband of 5 years was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

The signs showed from the beginning, but they were mistaken for different qualities. The beginning of our relationship was a whirlwind as it was, but there were still signs. For instance, we were married after 2.5 months of knowing each other. When I found out he wanted to marry me, I was thrilled! It showed me he was confident and that he didn't want to let me go to anyone else, and he wanted me to be his because he knew how awesome I was. Ha! It was part of his impulsiveness. We got married in Vegas on our way to a family reunion in Park City, UT. I planned the whole wedding to cost us less than $500. I thought I was pretty BA for being able to pull that off! He didn't really care, and didn't show interest... he had come with a world of debt. This was part of his carelessness. He had a 4 year old daughter with his ex-wife. He also had a two year old daughter with his ex-girlfriend... who he was still living with - another sign. He put on a reaaallly good front... making her sound crazy (which he may have driven her to), making her sound like the dirty one (as their house was a disaster... like health-code-violation-disgustingness), alas, he made her sound horrible, and made himself sound like he had it all together - sign. He put on a smooth front... always the life of the party, "friends" with everyone, and appeared to be super easy-going, but confident to know what he wanted. The perfect package. And I fell for it... hard.

The next five years where a whirlwind... what's wrong with me? Why can't I make him happy? I'm literally doing everything for him, and making his life so easy? Am I enabling him? Why doesn't he trust me? My mom is crazy... am I just like her? If marriage is like this... do I really want it? Does God love me? Does he even care? How can he want this for anyone? Am I submitting enough? Could I submit more? Why have we gone through 13 dogs in 5 years? Why did he just drive a $35000 truck home that he bought without asking me? I've proven to my husband I can handle the finances... right? Why does he carry all of our cash in his pocket? I am a grown adult... don't I deserve to have a vehicle... especially because I am taking care of the kids every day? How many more times can I learn Dave Ramsey's budgeting plan before I give up because it will never work unless we are both on board? Why don't my friends feel this way about their husbands? You know what they say about cheaters.... most of the time when they are accusing you, it means they are doing it themselves... right? Why can't these counselors figure out what's wrong with us?

Then, I had enough. He had just began seeing a counselor, when the counselor asked me to come in with my husband to get a better feel of what was going on. We were at a high in our relationship when we met, so I had yet again pushed the bad times out of my mind. The counselor thought we were so close to being "fixed". Then, a week later, I found myself sitting on his couch, verbally vomiting everything that had happened in the last 5 years. I was crying, angry, mad, sad, and confused. I had totally blindsided him, wanting to leave my husband because I couldn't do it anymore. This... this moment of total transparency is when the doctor was able to put his finger on what the real issue was. He told me my husband had Borderline Personality Disorder. He suggested I continue counseling because I needed to know how to talk, work and deal with him, regardless of if I stayed or left. I needed the skills so I could model it for my kids, who would also have to learn how to deal and cope with my husband.

WHAT!?!?! What was I dealing with here! Have to teach my kids how to "DEAL" with their dad? Had to learn a whole new language and a whole new reality to be able to "DEAL" with my husband? What in the world did I sign up for 5 years ago? Who did I decide to have kids with?

Regret settled in. I was done. I couldn't possibly deal with this for the rest of my life... could I?

I started researching the disorder. I read everything online that I could. I knew before my husband did, so I was covert in my operations. I was drawing parallels like nobody's business. Financial lack of responsibility - disorder. Insane sex drive - disorder. Moments of rage- disorder. Lack of true friends - disorder. Unsubstantiated jealousy - disorder. Outrageous expectation of perfection from all involved - disorder. 13 dogs - disorder. Impulse spending - disorder. Extreme emotions, both high and low - disorder.

My husband was a walking disorder.  A walking conundrum. WHAT did I marry?

I had a choice. Right then and there I had to decide what I was going to do. I had to decide what I was married to. I realized I'm married to the man who stole my heart 5 years ago. The one with the incredible work ethic. That one with a great sense of humor. I also realized I married a man with a personality disorder. I married the man who loved me so incredibly much some days. I married the man who needed control. Perfectionism. Irrationality. All of those, I married.

An exact example of this happened this weekend. Saturday was a horrible day. My mood was effected by the rock-bottom he was feeling. It was just crud. Sunday morning I find out that he is "building feelings of resentment towards me", and he is proud because he could finally vocalize what he is feeling. Awesome. Monday morning, wake up to three sticky notes on my mirror. I. Heart. U. I'm not sure what changed about me from Saturday to Monday... but in his reality, there is definitely something different. It's cool though, I get to just chill here with this range of emotions emulated towards me and just be super even-keeled and cool with it all... right?

That's where I am stuck. Some days (like today), I feel this weird feeling of regret.... I'm not familiar with that because up until this point in my life, I haven't looked at any situation as a "regret", but a learning experience. Regret comes with a feeling of doom surrounding it. Thoughts go through my head saying "what did you do?". I read online today that Borderline Personality Disorder is 65% hereditary and that all three of my children stand a great chance to inherit this awesome trait from my husband. Is this the part where "chose a good mate" comes in to play? Absolutely.

What. The. Heck.

I do digress a little bit. It's not my first experience with an emotionally unstable influence in my life. My mother was also a walking conundrum. It was also impossible to please her. Or some days, I would, others I would not. I suffered a lot of emotional abuse growing up, and sometimes physical. I was alienated from my father most of my life, partially because she kept us from him and jeopardized that relationship, and partially because my dad could only handle so much of her crazy. In their short two-year marriage, there were many knives, abuse, literal fire and turmoil. My parents relationship ended with my mom threatening my dad with a knife for the final time, which led him to walk 10 miles to his brothers to never return. This portrayed into neglect for my mom, so he was officially the "sperm-donor" of our life.

My mom locked me in my room with chicken-wire once. She reminded me of the mom in the movie Mother Dearest - "No wire hangers!". I never felt good enough, I never felt loved. I felt used, abused, and worthless.

I was able to acknowledge that there was something not right about my mom when I turned 17. I knew what she defined me as was not real... that I couldn't base myself off what she said or did. I started a journey of self-discovery. I knew my heart was good. I knew my reality was different from my moms. I knew I was able to hold true relationships. I taught myself empathy. I taught myself patience. I taught myself how to build healthy boundaries. I learned how to find the good in people, rather than focusing on the bad. I learned how to forgive, without forgetting. I learned how to love people for what their heart was, not their face-value attributes. I decided I wanted and needed a healthy and substantial relationship with my father. I was intentional.

It wasn't all roses. It was tremendously hard. My mom, who was my only real guide in my life wasn't the best guide in my life. She hurt me more than I could have imagined. She hurt everyone around her. She was also my greatest tool. I felt bad for myself some days.... why can't I live in a loving home where I am accepted for who I am? I also felt empowered other days... I knew it would be different for me.

Ironically, after my husband found an amazing counselor, my mom fell into a severe depression (as she does often) and admitted she needed help. I was able to call her out on some of her self-persuasion that she talks to herself, and labeled some of her patterns. Off she went the the same counselor.

Here I am.... with a BPD husband and a mother who has yet to be diagnosed but possesses some tremendous issues. I'm not saying that as a pity... I'm saying that in disbelief. How can I possibly be "normal" like the counselor said? I know I'm not in the sense that I obviously sought out someone who was like my mom. Completely sub-consciously obviously. I was also made out to be the "psycho" one growing up. My whole family called me that. Were they right?

I have four more counseling sessions with this awesome brain who brought this to light. I am doing research on BPD. I am studying how to be stronger. I'm working on me. It's exhausting. I feel for all those out there who are dealing with this nasty disorder. I know there is much more worse things, but this is pretty hard.